date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
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If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
So glad we cleared that up
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
early stone age tool
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I did not eat the cake…
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.