Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
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Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Think I pulled my liver
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”