Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
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Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.