If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
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Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.