Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
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If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size