Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
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[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”