This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
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the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
My boss called in sick of me
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.