“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
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*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
When news reporters do sports stories