Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
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The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
こいつ天才
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.