95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
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Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see