Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
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me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Great game to play with friends
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me