[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
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I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
My sex drive has a dui
I can’t deal with men any longer
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest