Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
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I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs