*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
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king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
A man of commitment.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.