*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
You Might Also Like
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.