WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
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I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
I think I’ll stand
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.