I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
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Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)