CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
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I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape