I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
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Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah