I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
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*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
my fav colour is also hitler
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.