I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
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Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Stop being racist to kettles.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.