I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
You Might Also Like
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see