Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
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Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.