My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
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Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
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Me: Same
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!