Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
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I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.