Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
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i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.