*seductively eats two tums*
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me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Cucumbers Anonymous
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”