So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
You Might Also Like
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
How about daylight saves us for once
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!