[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
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Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Social distancing in Australia:
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.