Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
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REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️