My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
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Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
You know…for fall…
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails