People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
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Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family