I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
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“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.