Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
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My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
My birth announcement for our third baby
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
guys I’m going home
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog