“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
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*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Did I do this right
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.