I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
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No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.