I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
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Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
the greatest twitter interaction
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
me irl
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.