Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
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When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.