Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
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I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.