Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
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My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Knock Knock
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING