A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
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You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I already tried new things thanks.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.