can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
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I put the h in mysterious.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Employees must applaud the planets.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.