I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
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80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone: