Spring cleaning checklist…
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This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too