My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
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[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.