“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
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ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Put a ring on it
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave