Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
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My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”