How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
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I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]