I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
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[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.