After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
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“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Put the is in disheveled
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.